Almost a week ago I wrote a lovely post about trying to be more open. And then I froze. What do you say after that? Did I really mean it? I've been thinking about that and my conclusion is yes, I did.
And so, friends, the truth: I'm in a funk. Some of it is coming down off the high of the missionary conference. It's like the days after summer camp--the glow wears off. All the new "I feel so close to God now" feelings get replaced by the mundane. God is closer than before but not as close as when you were getting to spend several hours a day learning about Him and talking about Him and talking to Him. I carried the "high" for several days but by this morning, it was almost gone. Instead of getting to focus on church this morning, my thoughts were filled with the fact that the water bottle was almost empty and even if it weren't we'd still have a problem because we didn't have enough plastic cups, and that I didn't have the books I needed to teach but it probably wouldn't have mattered because the kids were out of control, and that everyone who came up to me seemed to want me to do something for them and no one just wanted to say hi.
Now, this is pretty normal Sunday morning stuff. I can't tell you how many times I've had to run to the grocery store or wing a class or deal with everyone's stuff. (In fact, I understand that I chose this life.) But for some reason today it just hit me wrong. And so after being home for a couple of hours, I realized that I'm in a funk.
I described it to Russ as: kinda lonely, kinda sad, kinda dissatisfied and kinda unsatisfiable all at once.
It's definitely not what would constitute Major Depression, or even Depression, or even depression. I'm just in a funk. I'm sure it will blow over soon enough. I'll get distracted by something and stop thinking about myself so much. That seems to be the source of most of the funks. (A-ha! It's that silly pride problem again!)
It's somewhat tempting to stay in a funk for a little while. I usually give myself a lot of grace during that time. (And by grace I mean Doritos and television.) But when I really think about it, when I bring it before God, I am so embarrassed that I occasionally relish a good funk.
So this post is me banishing my funk. When I started writing, I thought, "I'll be honest about the fact that I'm in a funk." But as I kept going, I realized, "Why should I let myself stay there? I'll be honest about the fact that I just realized how stupid my funks are." It's kind of amazing the effect that blogging about this stuff is having on me. Once I decide to make my thoughts and struggles public, my self-examination reaches a whole new level (two, actually, if you include spell check!). I guess that's why sin thrives in secret, in the darkness. In the light, we are embarrassed by our actions.
I wish I had some sort of killer conclusion for this all. But I don't. As you can tell, I'm just figuring this stuff out. So I'll use my favorite conclusion of all--TADA!!!
(Do I get some sort of prize for including the word "funk" so many times in a single post?)